Long story short:

I grew up in Chengdu, China, and came to the U.S. at 17 to attend college. I then got a Ph.D. in Economics from MIT, where my thesis studied the career choices and inventive output of MIT alumni. After that, I became an assistant professor, first at Harvard Business School and then at the Georgia Institute of Technology. It was a straightforward path: college, grad school, tenure track, with tenure being the clear destination. But I started having more and more doubts about whether that was the path for me.

In the May of 2019, I experienced a mysterious state of meditativeness, a breakthrough of sorts after years of practicing meditation. One night, after sleeping for a few hours, I found myself in a half-awake, half-asleep state where my mind was completely still. There was the sound of chanting amidst golden light, and there was no separation between “I”, the light, and the chant. “I” was in this state for an unknown period of time, and then a thought (in the form of a question: “what is happening?”) appeared out of the blue, after which I woke up. I was overwhelmed with physical sensations, with my heart racing and energy swirling in my abdomen. The intensity of the physical experience caused some panic but eventually I calmed myself down and fell back asleep.

The next morning, I heard birds chirping as I walked towards the elevator in the parking garage at work. I had probably heard the same birdsong in the same garage many times, but that time, it stopped me in my tracks and completely absorbed my attention. My mind again felt very still. It was like the chirping had just woken me up from a reverie.

A few days after these initial experiences, I was walking home through Piedmont Park in Atlanta when, suddenly, I felt a surge of strong emotions (a common occurrence during that period). However, newly present this time were some visuals and then words: I saw myself as a young and naive backpacker, eagerly setting out on an exciting journey, not knowing what was about to happen. I then saw that, over time, weights started piling on me until they completely wore me out, and I was disheartened yet still determined. I felt the purity of my intention, my effort to maintain my steps despite the hardship, my aspiration to achieve, and my idealistic nature. And then, in one moment, I simultaneously experienced the beginning, middle, and end of this journey: I recognized, right there, that the destination that I had been searching for, seemingly so far away, had been with me the whole time. A strong sense of relief came over me, and the trees, air, and grass all around me became very light and vivid. I felt at home and no longer needing to search. Words came with this newfound clarity and gratitude. They said:

“Yearning

Young she was and eager
A first-time traveler
Setting out to find
That which words could not describe

Burdens were carried
Earnest effort made
Duties, she thought
Were there to pave her way

For then she didn’t know
That Beauty has no Weight
That love is Lightness
And Light is all She is

But here, now, she remains
Arms embracing air
Breathing flowers in the atmosphere
For finally, She is—
at home, and—
At ease.

”